Apple takes the wraps off OS X Cowardly Lion

Cupertino, CA — Good news, Munchkins.

A new version of OS X is coming soon — designed especially for those who suffer a fear of upgrading.

OS X Cowardly Lion makes it easy to put your entire system at risk, integrating 200+ visual and verbal cues from MGM’s classic The Wizard of Oz.

“Cowardly Lion is all about courage,” says Craig Federighi, Apple’s vice president of Mac Software Engineering. “The courage to hit the Buy button.”

Among the confidence-building features built into Cowardly Lion:

• Modernized cursor. Out with the arrow, in with a ruby slipper.
• Yellow-brick iCal and Address Book themes. No more faux leather.
• Glenda Intelligent Assistant. Basically just Siri, but with a better name.
• Safari “Go Home.” Click the mouse three times and say “There’s no place like Home Page.”
• Wizard Mode. “Pull the curtain” on any screen to reveal the UNIX code beneath.

With potential feline monikers nearly depleted, Cowardly Lion couldn’t come at a better time. It allows Apple to make a seamless transition from cat names to Oz-based names. Sources say that the next three versions of OS X are already mapped out: OS X Scarecrow, OS X Wicked Witch and OS X Flying Monkey.

Cowardly Lion will be available as a $29 download from the App Store. The 5-user Munchkin Pack is only $79.

Apple announces iBalls: the ultimate Retina Display

Cupertino, CA — Whoever designed the hunan body did a respectable job — but leave it to Apple to take it to a higher level.

With its new iBalls technology, Apple has created superior eyes. Once installed, iBalls allow you to choose between five different modes of vision: normal, microscope, telescope, wide-angle and sepia.

Even better, iBalls allow you to take 8-megapixel still photos with one eye, 3D photos using two eyes, and upload a 24/7* video record of your life to iCloud in glorious 1080p.

But uploading is only part of the story. iBalls can also tap into your iTunes account to retrieve movies and TV shows, allowing you to be entertained in the privacy of your own head. It’s the perfect solution for boring business meetings, church services and family functions. (HBO is available at an additional cost.)

As Apple’s press release puts it, “What would you rather do — sit through a two-hour business meeting or watch Star Wars Episode IV? With iBalls, the choice is yours.”

Even if you never use the technology built into iBalls, you’ll feel better about yourself. iBalls let you choose from a palette of five colors, so you can finally get rid of the boring peepers you were born with. You can even mix and match to create your own unique look.

iBalls are installed by a higher level of Genius Bar employee — the iGenius — who is Apple-trained to ensure a smooth upgrade. Reservations are available online for the 20-minute procedure.

iBalls have an initial cost of $999 each and require a $59/month subscription. Both natural eyes must be removed prior to installation — but if you have limited funds, you can start with just one iBall, then use the optional iPatch ($49) to cover the vacant socket.

Those who default on their iBalls subscription will lose all functionality, including basic vision. However, in these cases, Apple will provide iBraille training at no additional cost.

* Sleep time not included.

iQuit: Apple stops making everything it makes

Cupertino, CA — Better hang onto that iPhone. It’s about to become a collector’s item.

Today Apple announced that it’s getting out of the revolution business. In effect, the company has decided to “take the money and run.”

According to CEO Tim Cook, Apple just faced the biggest decision in its history. Now valued at over $400 billion, with a cash reserve of over $98 billion, it could keep spending time and money creating things — or it could simply cash out and live off the interest.

“I don’t have to think too hard about that one,” says Cook.

Effective immediately, there will be no more iPhones, iPads, iPods, iMacs or iAnything. Without ever touching the principle, all Apple employees will continue to earn their current salaries for the rest of their natural lives.

Cook has already issued a memo to employees that life on the inside won’t be all fun and games. He estimates it will be about 99.4% fun and games. Those on the payroll will still be required to spend a little time logging their hours.

Already, hundreds of delivery trucks have been spotted at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters unloading ping-pong and foosball tables, music systems, telescopes, archery equipment and mechanical bulls.

Construction has begun on several Olympic-sized pools inside 1 Infinite Loop, ringed by hundreds of employee cabanas.

All Apple Stores are being converted to Apple Lounges, where employees may relax and play table games in a friendly atmosphere. At long last, the Genius Bar will live up to its name — serving wine, imported beer and signature cocktails.

Recognizing that severe change can cause confusion, Cook promises that new signage will be installed on Apple property, clearly pointing the way to designated disco areas, gyms, mini-golf courses and tanning salons. Most important, he urges employees never to forget Apple’s creative roots — challenging them to dream up new and exciting ways to fritter away their days.

However, Cook does give one stern warning: Any employee caught doing actual work will face immediate termination. Once terminated, they will lose all cabana privileges and be forced to live on 100% of their salary in perpetuity.

Apple introduces Siri Pro: for serious Apple lovers

Cupertino, CA — Think Siri is all talk and no action? Think again.

Targeting lovestruck Siri fans, Apple today launched Siri Pro — at long last giving that little vixen Siri a unique and accommodating physical presence.

Whereas the Siri included with iPhone 4S can only go so far with her flirtation and innuendo, Siri Pro is designed for a more fulfilling relationship. She’s a fully functional pleasure-bot, sexier than a MacBook Air and more seductive than an iPad.

The inspiration for Siri Pro came from the Siri servers currently in operation. Over 65% of the questions and commands put to Siri by iPhone 4S owners indicate the user’s desire for a deeper bond. Top interactions include: “Will you marry me,” “Can I buy you a drink” and “I want to have your robotic children.”

“When we say we listen to our customers, we’re not kidding around,” says Apple worldwide marketing chief Phil Schiller.

Siri Pro is available at the Apple Store for $999 (32GB) and $1,299 (64GB). Alternate personalities — Streetwalker, Catholic Schoolgirl, Nurse — are available via the App Store for $9.99. Aluminized lingerie is sold separately.

Apple woos Amish with “Apple Store in a Barn”

Lancaster, PA — Who needs electricity when you can have great design?

Apple, the technology company best known for simplicity, is now targeting the community best known for simplicity. Welcome to the Amish Apple Store, now open in Lancaster, PA.

“This is a no-brainer,” says Phil Schiller, head of Apple’s marketing organization. “Apple puts a lot of effort into making technology ‘disappear,’ and so do the Amish. Cha-ching.”

According to sources, Apple expects about 75% of its Lancaster sales to go to people who have no intention of ever opening the box. Apple’s shrink-wrapped boxes (iPods and iPhones in particular) are bound to become popular paperweights, doorstops and building blocks for the children.

Apple's mobile technology is a perfect match for Amish mobile technology

However, electricity is not entirely shunned amongst the Lancaster Amish. Though they have traditionally refused to connect to the public power grid, they do use locally produced electricity.

Because of this loophole, the lights will indeed be on in the Amish Apple Store. Between six and ten oxen on Apple-designed treadmills behind the store will generate enough power to keep a number of i-devices functioning throughout the day.

Of course, Apple is not oblivious to the local culture. To better connect with the Lancaster customers, the Genius Bar has been replaced by a Buggy Bar, which offers repair service and one-to-one guidance for all types of mobile devices — including the horse-drawn buggies commonly used by the Amish.

Apple has also created special straw-textured earphones for use with its i-products, allowing buyers to plug in discreetly. As a lure for new customers, a new Amish section on iTunes will feature classic barn singings from Amish communities all over the country.

EXPOSED: Apple’s Jony Ive knighted as part of secret deal

London, U.K. — The knighting of Apple design chief Jony Ive sent cheers of delight around the Apple universe. But it didn’t take long for the dark clouds to appear.

A Scoopertino investigation reveals that Ive’s knighthood is actually the result of a secret back-room deal between Apple, the Royal Family and the highest levels of British government.

Deja Scoop: Apple Stores to be rebranded as Church of Apple

Scoopertino is closed for the holidays. In the meantime, we’ll recycle a couple of stories from our dusty archives. Like this one…

Cupertino, CA — If you’ve been following Apple religiously, your spirit is about to soar.

After shutting down for one day early in January, all 350+ Apple Stores will reopen as something completely different: The Church of Apple.

“It’s a natural evolution,” explains CEO Tim Cook. “We’ve given our customers a place to shop. What they really want is a place to worship.”

As part of the relaunch, some of the Apple Store’s familiar features will be reborn.

Ailing products will no longer be repaired at the Genius Bar. Instead, they’ll be healed at the Miracle Bar, where Apple Angels (formerly Geniuses) will offer personal care — as well as end-of-life counseling — for all Apple computers and devices.

Apple Theaters in the bigger Apple Stores will be redesigned as Apple Chapels, with pews replacing individual seating. Worshippers will be able to sacredly scroll along with the sermon on iPads featuring Apple’s newest app, The iBook of Jobs. (Click on image to read a sample.)

Cupertino-trained clergy will perform services hourly beginning at 10:00 am each day.

Going into direct competition with the Catholic Church, every Church of Apple will employ an Apple-certified Exorcist. For a one-time fee of $99, customers possessed by the demons of PCs or Android phones may have their evil spirits cast out.

Confessional booths at the rear of the Church will allow the faithful to gain absolution for a range of sins. (“Forgive me, father, for I have jail-broken my iPhone.”) However, Apple warns that repeat offenders will be subject to excommunication.

Customers feeling that they did not contribute enough during their visit to the Church of Apple may make use of the offering plate as they exit.

iPads Get Thumbs Up in Election Test

Election officials in Oregon are giving an “aye” to an iPad scheme that helped disabled voters cast ballots in yesterday’s elections.

Some 89 disabled people were able to have their say in choosing a representative to Congress thanks to Apple’s tablet computer, Politico reports.

One voter was “just so tickled with the iPad he’s committed to coming back in January to mark his ballot,” Secretary of State Kate Brown said.

There were a few minor hiccups, mostly because the iPad voting scheme isn’t paperless and requires Internet connectivity (or more planning ahead.)

Voters still need to print out ballots and mail them in.  Another issue was downloading the ballots on the devices so they don’t need Internet connectivity in the state’s rural areas, Brown said.

Officials have a few months to work out the bugs before the next trial Jan. 31. If all goes smoothly, voting via iPad will become available to all Oregonians – possibly from their own devices.

Otherwise, the state will also have to drum up the cash. Right now, they are using Apple loaners to test the program but estimate that it could cost at least $36,000 for the 72 iPads necessary to make the program available to disabled voters.

Via Politico

Follow @nmar

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iPads Get Thumbs Up in Election Test

Should Schools Be Named After Steve Jobs?

A high school in Bulgaria is reportedly going to dump Lenin as its namesake for Steve Jobs. And if it does, it probably won’t be the first school named after the Apple co-founder.

If reports are to be believed, a technical secondary school in Bulgaria would topple communist politician Vladimir Ilyich Lenin as its namesake in favor of the symbolic innovation and insight offered by Steve Jobs. (Or a famous scientist. The decision hasn’t been made, yet.)

The first school named after the “think different” pioneer was probably a high school in Mexico, which re-named itself “Steve Jobs” in 2008. Google Maps shows a school at that address with that name.

Apple has always had a strong role in education and iPads are increasingly replacing books in schools from kindergarten to college. So it’s not surprising that a school wants to name itself after recently-departed Apple co-founder Steve Jobs.

There is already Steve Jobs Day in the state of California, honoring innovations that “transformed an industry, and the products he conceived and shepherded to market have changed the way the entire world communicates,” said Governor Jerry Brown.

What, if anything, do you think should bear his name?

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Should Schools Be Named After Steve Jobs?

Goodbye Steve Jobs